It's a Monday - 100%.
Wake up late - Check
No towel since my amazing husband did the laundery - Check
Running late - Check
Totally forgot the kids clothes and my daughters shoes at home - Check Check....
I love my babysitter - we left for about 9 weeks at one point and to be honest, it was the worst choice EVAr....but we are back now. She loves the kids, buys them toys and clothes all the time and is flexible when I am late, but...I am sure that she curses me under her breath when my back is turned.
I do pay her on time every time though - so I have that going for me....
HAPPY MONDAY!!
Monday, April 14, 2014
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
I know why people want just one kid......
I have 2, so there's no going back now. I just have a new found understanding as to why people only have one. There was no way I was ever going to be a Dugger, bless them and all of their offspring.
Lil'Bit is sick, so she is staying home with the Hubs. Me and Bub got ready and let me tell you......he is a different kid when his sister is not around. He listens, he pays attention, and he does what he's told. He minds me so much better. (She is the same way, but it's much more noticeable with the boy).
I got up a half hour late, and we still left early from the house.....that kind of difference is hard to pass up. I wish all my mornings were as easy as today. I have tried a myriad of things to make our mornings more smooth and other then possibly a shot of whiskey…..I don’t think I am going to make it so.
See, the thing is that I grew up with the notion that 2 kids was the better route; at least 2, maybe more, but not just one. Why? Well, you see my mother was the second oldest of 5. Her brother was killed in a car accident when he was 18, and watched as my Grandparents went through heartbreaking times. At that very moment, she told herself, selfishly, that she would have at least 2 kids…..you know, just in case something happened to one, she would still have another.
I thought this was brillant thinking. My heart breaks every single time that I hear a couple lose their only child. As a parent, your identity is transformed when you have a child. When part of that identity is gone - it can be very hard to get back to the way it was before. Knowing you are a parent, but not being able to actually parent your child. And the love you have, the hopes you have, the dreams you hope come true for your kids....just, poof.
So, I too took up the 2 kid cause and when I became pregnant with Bubbie I knew that I would have another one after him – no sooner than 2 years, no later than 4 years apart. I know – down to a science. Good thing Hubs was totally ok with this too. Hubs already had a son from his first marriage and he was 13 already. We joke sometimes that at the ripe age of 30 somethings, we could have been empty nesters (as Bubba is now 18).
Needless to say…..I think I should have stopped there sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I am not giving my little girl back…but there is something to be said about a one child household. They get all the attention they need and the child is out numbered 2:1. Each parent can handle the one child individually, giving the other a respite. It’s much quieter, it doesn’t cost as much, and once they grow out of the clothes you can give them away right away. (same with the toys). I would have much more energy and patience to teach either of them colors, numbers, shapes, vocab....the works.
But alas....I love our 2 kid house. They each bring a separate joy to us that no one else could bring. They look at the world each so differently, so we get to learn right along with them.
And I also know that both kids can be stolen from me just as easily as one. Then I am left twice devestated. It's happened before. I know a man who lost 2 sons in a car accident and by the grace of God and a cold the 3rd one choose not to go with them. I would have been all 3, in one drunken swoop of fate. It makes you hold your kids closer, love them fuller, and hope bigger for them I think.
I had no idea someone read this :)
It's been a crazy year apparently!
I had kind of forgotten that this outlet exisited for me, and thanks to a comment, maybe I will be able to return and entertain.
Needless to say - life got back on track.
I started my new job Feb. 2013. We accumulated debt, but who doesn't these days. Hubs is in a new position and LOVES it. Happy Hubs make a happy Wife - and that makes the whole house happy.
Bubbie and Lil'Bit are growing fast!! almost 3 inches since Christmas.....and they are eatting me out of house and home.
So....On to the topic!
I had kind of forgotten that this outlet exisited for me, and thanks to a comment, maybe I will be able to return and entertain.
Needless to say - life got back on track.
I started my new job Feb. 2013. We accumulated debt, but who doesn't these days. Hubs is in a new position and LOVES it. Happy Hubs make a happy Wife - and that makes the whole house happy.
Bubbie and Lil'Bit are growing fast!! almost 3 inches since Christmas.....and they are eatting me out of house and home.
So....On to the topic!
Monday, March 4, 2013
Reflection
I often get taken back to my life before Mom. All mom's had them, so I know I am not alone in this respect. I sometimes wonder if my going back is preventing me from going forward - sometimes I am not so sure.
I have been with my husband for 5 years. 4 married, and a little less then one year together. To be honest, I know that my husband should have been the one and only for me, but life didnt work out that way.
I was married once before. We had been together for 3 years before we got married and then only 18 months after. I knew in my heart that I shouldn't have married him, but I was scared, and confused, and I didn't understand that its totally ok to break a long term relationship if things just aren't feeling right anymore.
Needless to say, you can't erase 5ish years with another human, and the way I left and divorced is not something I am proud of at all. I will often look back on that time and think. Who the hell was I, what was I doing, and how could I have been so very mean and hateful.
I know some of the answers but not all. I am trying to sort things out, but it takes me away a bit from my current marriage when I do. And is that really fair to my husband to do that? My husband never give's his ex a second thought. He never reflects on why things might not have worked out, or if anything he did could have been the reason. He just accepts that the relationship ended and moves on.
Personally, I can't do that. I would like to get to some place in the middle though. I realize that my first husband was not the horrible person that I made him out to be. I accept that I could have tried harder to save the marriage and worked it out. I accept that all the hurt and the pain was caused by me.
But I also know that working it out wouldnt have made me happy. That there was just to much not right with us to begin with to make things better. We were opposites to the point of no return and I was to afraid to admit I made a mistake, and married him. Even if we worked on the relationship, I would not have gotten what I needed anyway. So, why am I so suck on the 'omg, what did I do, how could I have done that, and how do I get over that's?"....not sure...still working on that one. I know they come farther apart, but its still there.
we are both much happier now. Our lives are better and so I should be happier, but I am stuck in guiltland and may always be. Reflection for a Monday morning for you.
I have been with my husband for 5 years. 4 married, and a little less then one year together. To be honest, I know that my husband should have been the one and only for me, but life didnt work out that way.
I was married once before. We had been together for 3 years before we got married and then only 18 months after. I knew in my heart that I shouldn't have married him, but I was scared, and confused, and I didn't understand that its totally ok to break a long term relationship if things just aren't feeling right anymore.
Needless to say, you can't erase 5ish years with another human, and the way I left and divorced is not something I am proud of at all. I will often look back on that time and think. Who the hell was I, what was I doing, and how could I have been so very mean and hateful.
I know some of the answers but not all. I am trying to sort things out, but it takes me away a bit from my current marriage when I do. And is that really fair to my husband to do that? My husband never give's his ex a second thought. He never reflects on why things might not have worked out, or if anything he did could have been the reason. He just accepts that the relationship ended and moves on.
Personally, I can't do that. I would like to get to some place in the middle though. I realize that my first husband was not the horrible person that I made him out to be. I accept that I could have tried harder to save the marriage and worked it out. I accept that all the hurt and the pain was caused by me.
But I also know that working it out wouldnt have made me happy. That there was just to much not right with us to begin with to make things better. We were opposites to the point of no return and I was to afraid to admit I made a mistake, and married him. Even if we worked on the relationship, I would not have gotten what I needed anyway. So, why am I so suck on the 'omg, what did I do, how could I have done that, and how do I get over that's?"....not sure...still working on that one. I know they come farther apart, but its still there.
we are both much happier now. Our lives are better and so I should be happier, but I am stuck in guiltland and may always be. Reflection for a Monday morning for you.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Karma
I know many people believe in Karma, others just think that life will throw you in the crapper and eventually fish you back out. Bad luck, Good luck.
I am more on the side of Karma then anything else. I believe there is an energy to life, and like energy tends to stay with its Kin. You spread good energy, you get good energy....you Spread bad, well, you get the picture.
My bad energy happened a little over 5 years ago. My divorce from my first husband was less then stellar and I have been trying to be better person ever since. It's by far my lowest life moment. I left with almost nothing, even left our dog.
She was the first dog I owned as an adult. She was fantastic and beautiful and loving. She was also apparently born with a fatal heart condition, and was sent to the Rainbow Bridge January 15, 2013.
And now, the dog that I have, Shion's half sister Lexi, has it too. Part of me knows that there was nothing I could have done differently, but part of me also thinks that the bad energy I had has come back around.
Lexi turns 5 on Valentines Day, Shion wasn't even 6 yet. I hope that we get a really good summer with her. I hope that I can explain to the kids what is going on.
I hope.....
I am more on the side of Karma then anything else. I believe there is an energy to life, and like energy tends to stay with its Kin. You spread good energy, you get good energy....you Spread bad, well, you get the picture.
My bad energy happened a little over 5 years ago. My divorce from my first husband was less then stellar and I have been trying to be better person ever since. It's by far my lowest life moment. I left with almost nothing, even left our dog.
She was the first dog I owned as an adult. She was fantastic and beautiful and loving. She was also apparently born with a fatal heart condition, and was sent to the Rainbow Bridge January 15, 2013.
And now, the dog that I have, Shion's half sister Lexi, has it too. Part of me knows that there was nothing I could have done differently, but part of me also thinks that the bad energy I had has come back around.
Lexi turns 5 on Valentines Day, Shion wasn't even 6 yet. I hope that we get a really good summer with her. I hope that I can explain to the kids what is going on.
I hope.....
Friday, February 1, 2013
Life and Death
Life happens simply - Death does too.
I have had life inside me twice, and while the process is not really all that simple, life itself happens simply - it just IS.
One moment there is no existence of a thing - and in the next moment, something that never existed before is alive and is there.
I still marvel at Bubbie and Lil'bit - they never existed before...they weren't a thought, or a hope, or even pre-sketched design. In moments of love, they were created and just were, and are to this day.
I have also lost love ones in my life. Both of my grandmother's and just recently my father in law. And I realized that just as life simply is there.....death is life simply, not there.
In one moment a person existed, was, lived, breathed, laughed, and loved....and in the next moment, is not anymore. The road to death may not be pretty, or easy, or wanted, but that is a road we will all go down at some point. Yes, you memory will be there in the thoughts and hearts of those you leave behind, so your name and story will continue, but you...the person and body will not be there to create new ones.
I am not sure where this post is going really, only to say that.....life and death are that simple....at one point you never existed, and at one point, you won't exist again.
Maybe the secret of life is that between those two very simple moments you make every moment count. Life isn't really all that short, but its short enough that wasted time is a travesty that happens all the time.
I have had life inside me twice, and while the process is not really all that simple, life itself happens simply - it just IS.
One moment there is no existence of a thing - and in the next moment, something that never existed before is alive and is there.
I still marvel at Bubbie and Lil'bit - they never existed before...they weren't a thought, or a hope, or even pre-sketched design. In moments of love, they were created and just were, and are to this day.
I have also lost love ones in my life. Both of my grandmother's and just recently my father in law. And I realized that just as life simply is there.....death is life simply, not there.
In one moment a person existed, was, lived, breathed, laughed, and loved....and in the next moment, is not anymore. The road to death may not be pretty, or easy, or wanted, but that is a road we will all go down at some point. Yes, you memory will be there in the thoughts and hearts of those you leave behind, so your name and story will continue, but you...the person and body will not be there to create new ones.
I am not sure where this post is going really, only to say that.....life and death are that simple....at one point you never existed, and at one point, you won't exist again.
Maybe the secret of life is that between those two very simple moments you make every moment count. Life isn't really all that short, but its short enough that wasted time is a travesty that happens all the time.
My Mini Mental Breakdown
So, to say that 2013 has gotten off to a bad start would be an understatement. It really started in 2012 so I think it's safe to say I can blame 2012, but alas, technicalities.
I was informed in November 2012 that my job was being budgeted out and I would be, once again, without a job. They gratefully extended it to December 31st, so that was really nice of them. I loved that job, it was pretty easy and I could really grasp concepts and jobs before I got another one on my plate. I looked forward to actually being a part of the team and then WHAM.
My unemployment is less then a third of what I was bringing home a week, and now I have no idea how we are going to pay our bills, feed ourselves, and put gas in the car for Hubs to get to work.
Right before Christmas my father in law passed away. He had been sick for a really long time, so it was not really a surprise, but death is still sad no matter when and how it happens. The holidays were somber in our family and it put a final period to the year.
After Christmas both kids on separate occasions were in the ER for medical stuff. Our son Bubbie had a 105 temp, and daughter Lil'bit had a hard time breathing and apparently got croup. It was fun to say the least. Thankfully we were still on my insurance when this all went down.
From there we learned that my first dog I owned as an adult would have to be put down due to a hereditary heart disease. Our current dog is a half sister, and also has the disease. We are on a unknown timeline since we can not afford the ultrasound to tell us how far along the disease is.
The next fun thing was my husband's car accident. Thankfully it appears that everything is going our way on that, but who knows. The insurance company seems to be very accomodating so we are just going with the flow.
I then entered myself into a contest to get a bill paid, they called my name, I didnt hear it, and missed out on getting one of the credit cards paid off....with our current luck, I am not suprised at all.
All of this came to a head yesterday and I literally had a mini break down. I mean, it was a uncontrolable crying, sobing, kids giving me hugs, calling my mom and actually saying 'mommy' kind of break down. I know I scared her, I feel really bad about that.
Sometimes though, as an adult....you still need your mommy. So, what did I get out of all this? That no matter how good you are, no matter what you do to protect yourself from the bad, no matter how well you think you are prepared, at some point, you will have a mini-breakdown.
And that's ok. As long as you understand that its not the end of the world, that you will figure it out, and you will be ok - you can have mini-breakdowns if it helps you.
Ironically, my stepfather is the one that broke me out of it. "It didn't happen in a day, and it won't get fixed in a day"....and "just put everything in a pile, and start at the top".....I am not sure why it was him that brought such clearity, but does it really matter? He did, and there is, and its ON.
My husband loves me, my kids love me, my friends love me, and my family (for the most part) love me. What more do I need?
I was informed in November 2012 that my job was being budgeted out and I would be, once again, without a job. They gratefully extended it to December 31st, so that was really nice of them. I loved that job, it was pretty easy and I could really grasp concepts and jobs before I got another one on my plate. I looked forward to actually being a part of the team and then WHAM.
My unemployment is less then a third of what I was bringing home a week, and now I have no idea how we are going to pay our bills, feed ourselves, and put gas in the car for Hubs to get to work.
Right before Christmas my father in law passed away. He had been sick for a really long time, so it was not really a surprise, but death is still sad no matter when and how it happens. The holidays were somber in our family and it put a final period to the year.
After Christmas both kids on separate occasions were in the ER for medical stuff. Our son Bubbie had a 105 temp, and daughter Lil'bit had a hard time breathing and apparently got croup. It was fun to say the least. Thankfully we were still on my insurance when this all went down.
From there we learned that my first dog I owned as an adult would have to be put down due to a hereditary heart disease. Our current dog is a half sister, and also has the disease. We are on a unknown timeline since we can not afford the ultrasound to tell us how far along the disease is.
The next fun thing was my husband's car accident. Thankfully it appears that everything is going our way on that, but who knows. The insurance company seems to be very accomodating so we are just going with the flow.
I then entered myself into a contest to get a bill paid, they called my name, I didnt hear it, and missed out on getting one of the credit cards paid off....with our current luck, I am not suprised at all.
All of this came to a head yesterday and I literally had a mini break down. I mean, it was a uncontrolable crying, sobing, kids giving me hugs, calling my mom and actually saying 'mommy' kind of break down. I know I scared her, I feel really bad about that.
Sometimes though, as an adult....you still need your mommy. So, what did I get out of all this? That no matter how good you are, no matter what you do to protect yourself from the bad, no matter how well you think you are prepared, at some point, you will have a mini-breakdown.
And that's ok. As long as you understand that its not the end of the world, that you will figure it out, and you will be ok - you can have mini-breakdowns if it helps you.
Ironically, my stepfather is the one that broke me out of it. "It didn't happen in a day, and it won't get fixed in a day"....and "just put everything in a pile, and start at the top".....I am not sure why it was him that brought such clearity, but does it really matter? He did, and there is, and its ON.
My husband loves me, my kids love me, my friends love me, and my family (for the most part) love me. What more do I need?
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