I often get taken back to my life before Mom. All mom's had them, so I know I am not alone in this respect. I sometimes wonder if my going back is preventing me from going forward - sometimes I am not so sure.
I have been with my husband for 5 years. 4 married, and a little less then one year together. To be honest, I know that my husband should have been the one and only for me, but life didnt work out that way.
I was married once before. We had been together for 3 years before we got married and then only 18 months after. I knew in my heart that I shouldn't have married him, but I was scared, and confused, and I didn't understand that its totally ok to break a long term relationship if things just aren't feeling right anymore.
Needless to say, you can't erase 5ish years with another human, and the way I left and divorced is not something I am proud of at all. I will often look back on that time and think. Who the hell was I, what was I doing, and how could I have been so very mean and hateful.
I know some of the answers but not all. I am trying to sort things out, but it takes me away a bit from my current marriage when I do. And is that really fair to my husband to do that? My husband never give's his ex a second thought. He never reflects on why things might not have worked out, or if anything he did could have been the reason. He just accepts that the relationship ended and moves on.
Personally, I can't do that. I would like to get to some place in the middle though. I realize that my first husband was not the horrible person that I made him out to be. I accept that I could have tried harder to save the marriage and worked it out. I accept that all the hurt and the pain was caused by me.
But I also know that working it out wouldnt have made me happy. That there was just to much not right with us to begin with to make things better. We were opposites to the point of no return and I was to afraid to admit I made a mistake, and married him. Even if we worked on the relationship, I would not have gotten what I needed anyway. So, why am I so suck on the 'omg, what did I do, how could I have done that, and how do I get over that's?"....not sure...still working on that one. I know they come farther apart, but its still there.
we are both much happier now. Our lives are better and so I should be happier, but I am stuck in guiltland and may always be. Reflection for a Monday morning for you.
